Finished the revision.
That I've been struggling with for two and a half years.
I never thought I could write something like this. Never aspired to. But a lot of people have seen this book for what it was supposed to be, and they've pushed me, and...
Olympics? Feels like.
I'm making all sorts of stupid mistakes now. Like, reading things wrong and i'm not sure I should be allowed to drive and I'm scared to be in charge of meals because I feel SO STUPID. It's some weird kind of post-traumatic stress. I'm better suited right now to be locked in a padded cell, because all I feel worthy of doing is curling up in the corner of a room, on the floor, and beating my head against the wall until I...I don't know how to finish that.
My mind. It is addled.
I remember the first full draft I ever completed. I remember the joy. The cheers. The celebratory (awesome) dinner.
After finishing this book three separate times?
Yeah. It was like, "Welp. I did it. Now what?"
Really. Like, no fireworks. No froofy drinks. No big hugs. Just...It's done. Time for bed.
I don't mean to be a downer. Like it's not a win. I know it's a win. It's more than I've ever done. I've grown a lot.
But I know it's not magically DONE. It still needs attention. And once I'm done with an editing pass -- which, thank God, will not be too difficult -- I have to hand it off to readers. Which is terrifying.
I guess with previous manuscripts -- and even previous drafts -- I had a healthy level of detachment. A thick skin. But this time? I've laid it bare. You get to see me here. Through Anna and Johnny and Colm, but...cripes. By the end of the ms you'll know something about me.
Which means there's a brand new level of rejection awaits. ;-)
And I have to deal with that. Even if everything goes the way I want it to, sales and stuff, there's still tampering to be done. Still fixes to be made. Things I haven't seen. I know it's not even mostly-perfect. So I'm scared spitless, and have considered trashing the whole thing.
Don't worry. I won't.
But I'm scared.
And completely stupid.
Hopefully it's all temporary.
But man, a celebratory dinner would have been awesome. ;-D